Hello and welcome to The Happya Life Podcast, where we talk about life beyond survival because let’s be real, you are not here just to “get through” life. I’m Clare, your host, positive psychology coach, and the person who will NEVER tell you to shrink yourself to make others comfortable.

Now, let’s get into today’s episode, because we’re tackling something that so many of us feel but rarely talk about out loud: Why we feel guilty for being happy.

Maybe you’ve been through a tough time grief, heartbreak, loss, or just a season where life felt heavy. And then, one day, you catch yourself laughing. Actually laughing. And instead of joy, what hits you? Guilt. Like, how can I feel this way when things have been so hard?

Or maybe your life is finally going well. You’ve worked hard to get where you are, but instead of enjoying it, you start second-guessing: Do I really deserve this? What if something goes wrong? What about the people who aren’t as lucky?

Let’s not sugarcoat it, happiness guilt is real.

It can happen after loss, when you feel like moving forward means “forgetting.”
 It can show up when you’ve worked for success but worry you don’t deserve it.
 It can creep in when others around you are struggling, and you feel selfish for feeling okay.

And then there’s the fear that if you do let yourself be happy, the universe is just waiting to snatch it away.

So today, we’re unpacking where this guilt comes from, why it’s wired into our brains, and most importantly, how to let it go. Because happiness is not a reward, and you don’t have to earn it.

And if you find yourself thinking, “I need more help with this,” I’ve got you. Book a free chat with me at happyacoach.com/chat or if talking feels like too much right now, drop me an email at clare@happyacoach.com, and I’ll send over some resources.

Alright, deep breath. Let’s get into it.

Happiness guilt isn’t just a fluke, it’s hardwired into us. Your brain is a prediction machine, constantly scanning for danger, seeking social belonging, and trying to make sense of the world. And sometimes, that means throwing up an unexpected roadblock when joy comes knocking.

Happiness guilt happens when your nervous system, trained through past experiences, cultural messages, and even evolution, signals that feeling good is somehow wrong or unsafe. So, let’s break it down with a few key reasons why.

1️⃣ Survivor’s Guilt – “If I move forward, am I leaving others behind?”

If you’ve been through pain, part of you might believe that feeling joy means dishonouring what happened. That moving forward means forgetting. This is especially strong if people around you are still struggling. It’s the psychological equivalent of making it onto a life raft and looking back at those still in the water, you might feel like you don’t deserve safety until everyone is safe.

But here’s the thing: your suffering doesn’t serve them. And your happiness doesn’t erase what happened it honours your survival. It can even serve as a quiet beacon of hope to others, a sign that healing is possible.

This is something I’ve seen a lot with those who have lost loved ones, especially people who have been widowed. I’ve heard “Why them and not me?” whispered more times than I can count. I’ve felt it myself at times.

And yet, what I’ve come to realise is that life is a privilege. When we recognise that, we take a little more care of it. Rather than allowing guilt to take over, I made the choice to honour my husband’s legacy not through sadness, but through joy.

By the actions I’ve taken, by the choices I’ve made for myself and our children, his legacy is not a broken family. His legacy is happiness. And we honour that every day.

💡 Takeaway: Instead of seeing your happiness as a betrayal, try asking yourself: How can I honour what I’ve been through by allowing myself to live fully?

2️⃣ Fear of Losing It – “What if this doesn’t last?”

If you’ve experienced trauma, loss, or unexpected change, your brain has learned to be hyper-vigilant. It’s like a smoke alarm that goes off even when you’re just making toast.

So, when something good happens, instead of soaking it in, you brace for impact. You wait for the other shoe to drop. You tell yourself not to get too comfortable, because what if this is all taken away?

I’ve been there. After my husband died, I had that exact thought: What’s the point?

I thought I’d left my childhood trauma behind, but life had other plans. And when I was faced with picking up the pieces, a voice in my head whispered, Why work so damn hard when it could all be taken away again?

For a long time, I let that fear steal my joy. But then, I made a decision, one I hold onto even now.

💡 I decided that survival wasn’t enough.

Not for me, and not for my children. If we were going to have to endure challenges, then we were also going to embrace life with everything we had. And that meant making space for joy, even if it scared me.

Because here’s the truth: Happiness isn’t a trap. It’s not a trick. And allowing yourself to feel it doesn’t mean you won’t be strong enough to handle the hard.

💡 Takeaway: When you notice yourself holding back from joy because you’re afraid of losing it, pause. Instead of “What if this doesn’t last?” try asking, “What if this moment is worth enjoying, no matter what happens next?”

3️⃣ Comparison & Scarcity Mindset – “If I have more, does someone else have less?”

Maybe you were raised with the idea that happiness is a limited resource. That if you succeed, someone else fails. That if you thrive, you’re being unfair to those who are struggling.

This belief can creep in with success guilt, especially if you’ve broken patterns that others around you haven’t.

But happiness isn’t pie. Your joy doesn’t take from anyone else. In fact, positive psychology shows that happiness is contagious. Your joy can be an invitation for others to find theirs.

For me, this started in childhood. I went to a private school, but my family weren’t wealthy, it was a choice my parents made because they wanted us to have what they saw as the best start in life.

And while I’m not here to debate that choice, what I will say is that I spent a lot of time feeling like I didn’t belong there. Sometimes it was in the material things, what others had and I didn’t. Other times, it was in the unkind words that made it clear I wasn’t “one of them.”

Even now, I remember those words. How irrelevant they made me feel. But here’s the thing: that was never about me.

It was never about what I lacked, it was about what they lacked in understanding. And the lesson I took away from it?

💡 I don’t value people by their bank balance. I value them by what they bring to the world.

I had a friend who never had much money, but whenever I showed up at her door, lost in those difficult years of growing up, she made me a cup of tea and gave me her time. She saw me. And that meant more than anything money could have bought.

And yet, because of this, I’ve spent a lifetime downplaying my own successes. I never wanted anyone to feel less than because I had more than.

But here’s what I’m learning: diming your own light doesn’t make the world brighter.

💡 Takeaway: Your happiness doesn’t make anyone else less worthy. Instead of seeing success as something to hide, try seeing it as something that gives others permission to do the same.

4️⃣ Cultural & Family Conditioning – “It’s not safe to shine.”

Some of us grew up in environments where joy wasn’t celebrated. Maybe people around you played small, dimmed their light, or saw happiness as something to be earned rather than experienced freely. Maybe you were taught that happiness is fleeting, so don’t get too comfortable, don’t get too loud about it, don’t make a fuss.

If that’s the case, feeling good might come with a side of unease, like wearing shoes that don’t quite fit. You feel the urge to shrink yourself. To downplay your wins. To make sure nobody else feels uncomfortable because of your happiness.

I once knew someone whose family never celebrated achievements. Not because they weren’t proud, but because they were terrified of jinxing it.

When she got accepted into university, her family barely acknowledged it. “Don’t get your hopes up, anything could happen.”

When she landed her dream job? “Let’s see if it works out first.”

When she fell in love? “Be careful, these things don’t last.”

She learned that joy wasn’t something to lean into, it was something to fear. A fragile thing that could disappear at any moment. And that if you got too happy, life would find a way to balance the scales.

It took her years to unlearn the belief that happiness needed to be small, cautious, temporary. That she could trust good things without bracing for the worst. That she didn’t need to play down her joy to protect herself or others.

And maybe that’s you, too. Maybe you were raised to believe that celebrating your happiness was dangerous. That being too proud meant inviting disaster. That feeling good for too long would only make the fall hurt more.

But let me remind you: joy is not a threat.

It is not something you have to deserve, or ration, or apologise for.

Happiness is not an accident, and it’s not selfish. It is a fundamental part of being alive.

💡 Takeaway: If joy feels unsafe, instead of asking “Do I deserve this?” try asking “What if I let myself enjoy this moment without guilt?”

Step One: Recognise the Pattern

Happiness guilt is sneaky. It doesn’t always show up as an obvious “I shouldn’t feel this way” sometimes, it’s subtler:

• You downplay your wins. “It’s not a big deal.”
• You feel uneasy after a good day, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
• You catch yourself holding back joy in conversations, just in case someone else is struggling.

But here’s the thing: You can’t change a pattern you don’t see.

So next time you feel a flicker of joy, pause. Notice what happens in your mind and body. Then ask:

• Am I letting myself fully feel this?
• Is there a part of me that feels guilty for feeling good?
• Where did I learn that happiness needs to be earned?

Just noticing these thoughts weakens their grip. Awareness is the first step to rewiring your brain.

Step Two: Separate Guilt from Reality

Let’s be clear: Guilt is a feeling, not a fact.

Just because your brain flags something as wrong doesn’t mean it is. Your nervous system might be trained to associate joy with danger, loss, or unfairness but that’s just old wiring. And the good news? Wiring can change.

Next time guilt creeps in, remind yourself:

• My happiness does not harm anyone.
• I can be happy and still care deeply about others.
• I don’t need permission to feel joy.

At first, this might feel unnatural. That’s okay. Your nervous system might need time to catch up. But every time you gently redirect these thoughts, you’re retraining your brain to see joy as safe.

Step Three: Rewire the Story

If guilt is just a learned response, then we can unlearn it. And that starts by consciously rewriting the script.

Instead of:

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.” → Try: “I deserve to feel joy, and I allow myself to enjoy it.”
• “Happiness is selfish.” → Try: “My joy does not take away from others, it invites them in.”
• “What if this doesn’t last?” → Try: “I can be present in joy without fearing the future.”

And here’s the science-y bit: Neuroscience shows that repetition rewires the brain.

This isn’t about forcing yourself to believe something overnight. It’s about planting a new thought, over and over, until one day… it feels natural.

Step Four: Own Your Happiness

Now, here’s where we take it to the next level. Joy is not something you have to tiptoe around. It is not something you need to justify, apologise for, or shrink to make others comfortable.

But let’s be real: Owning happiness is a practice. It means:

• Letting yourself celebrate your wins.
• Sharing your joy without downplaying it.
• Trusting that good things can happen to you without guilt or fear.

And maybe, most importantly: It means allowing yourself to feel joy fully, without waiting for it to disappear.

So, next time happiness shows up, instead of shrinking from it, step into it.

💡 Because joy is not something you “deserve.” It’s something you are already worthy of.

Happiness guilt is learned. And if we learned it, we can unlearn it. It takes time, but every moment of joy you allow yourself is a step towards rewriting that story.

So, what’s one small way you can practice owning your happiness today?

Happiness after struggle isn’t betrayal. It’s resilience. It’s healing. It’s proof that you are still here, still capable of joy, still worthy of good thingsnot because you’ve "earned" it, but because it was always yours to claim.

And I know, it’s not easy to just flip a switch and feel differently. If happiness guilt has been your default, it’s going to take time to unlearn. But every time you choose joy, even for a moment, you are rewiring your brain to believe in a different possibility.

So here’s my challenge for you this week: Give yourself full permission to feel joy without guilt.

✨ Let yourself smile without questioning it.
 ✨ Laugh at something ridiculous without hesitation.
 ✨ Celebrate something even if it’s small, even if no one else sees it.

And when guilt tries to creep in? Pause. Take a breath. And remind yourself: I don’t have to earn this. I am allowed to be happy.

If this is something you want to go deeper into, let’s talk. Book a chat at happyacoach.com/chat or send me an email at clare@happyacoach.com and I’ll send over some resources.

Until next time, be kind to yourself. Joy is not a luxury. It’s part of being alive.