Hello and welcome to The Happya Life Podcast, where we talk about life beyond survival because let’s be honest, you weren’t put on this earth just to fit in, keep the peace, and perform a version of yourself that keeps everyone else comfortable. I’m Clare, your host, positive psychology coach and expert, and today, we are talking about something that so many of us do without even realising it masking. Others might relate to this as playing small. 

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly editing yourself? Like you’re performing a role that isn’t really you? Maybe it’s in social situations where you dial yourself down. Maybe it’s at work, where you become the “professional” version of yourself. Maybe it’s even in relationships, where you shape-shift to meet other people’s expectations, afraid that if they saw the real you, they might not like what they find.

This is masking. And it is exhausting.

Masking is the emotional labour of constantly filtering, performing, and adapting to be what we think others want us to be. And while it can make us feel safe in the short term, long term? It’s one of the biggest barriers to true connection, self-worth, and fulfilment.

So today, we’re talking about:
✅ Why we mask and how it starts.
 ✅ The hidden cost of masking how it affects our mental and emotional health.
 ✅ How to start unmasking and show up more authentically without fear.

And if at any point you think, I need more support with this, let’s talk. Book a chat with me, or drop me an email, I’d love to help.

Alright, deep breath. Let’s get into it.

WHY DO WE MASK?

Masking doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It’s something we learn a survival strategy that our brains and bodies pick up along the way.

For many of us, masking starts in childhood. Maybe you were the kid who was too loud, too sensitive, too much or maybe you were the one who learned to shrink yourself to avoid conflict. Maybe you were praised for being "easy" or "low-maintenance," so you kept your feelings to yourself. Maybe you learned that certain emotions, anger, sadness, frustration, were unacceptable, so you buried them.

And the more we learn that our real selves aren’t acceptable, the more we build the mask.

📌 For neurodivergent individuals, masking can be an unconscious way of fitting into a world that wasn’t built with them in mind, suppressing natural behaviours to avoid judgment.

📌 For trauma survivors, masking can be a way of staying safe, learning to be hyper-aware of other people’s moods, adapting to avoid rejection, harm, or criticism.

📌 For those raised in rigid environments, masking can be a form of approval-seeking, adapting to be the "good girl," the "strong one," the "perfect one."

And after years of playing these roles, we start to lose sight of where the mask ends and where we begin.

This is why my book is called blooming happya because it is a programme that focuses on removing the layers that have been masking the real you by regulating your nervous system making you feel safe to uncover who you really are so you can open up to the world and bloom into the authentic version of yourself. 

Here’s the thing about wearing a mask for too long: at some point, you forget you’re wearing it. It becomes automatic, so much so that you might not even realise how exhausting it is until you start letting go of it.

And when we spend years, even decades, hiding parts of ourselves, the impact is huge.

You might experience, Exhaustion & Burnout. Constantly filtering yourself is emotionally draining. When you are always performing, there is no real rest.
 It’s like being “on” all the time, even in your own home. Ever come back from a social event and feel completely wiped, even though all you did was smile, nod, and say the “right” things? That’s because masking isn’t just about what you say it’s about suppressing your real thoughts, reactions, and even body language. Over time, it’s exhausting.

Next, Disconnection from Yourself – When you are always adapting to what others need, you stop knowing what you want, feel, or need.
I’ve had clients who, when asked what they enjoy doing, draw a blank. They’ve spent so long mirroring other, liking what their friends like, choosing what makes their partner happy, being “easy going” so they don’t rock the boat, that they’ve lost touch with what actually makes them happy. If you’ve ever stood in front of a menu waiting for someone else to order first because you genuinely don’t know what you feel like eating, that’s a little glimpse of this in action.

Perhaps for you its Low Self-Worth – If people only love the version of you that you allow them to see, it reinforces the belief that the real you isn’t good enough.
It’s that sneaky feeling of if they really knew me, they wouldn’t like me. Maybe you’ve been praised for being “so easy going” when, deep down, you actually do have strong opinions but don’t voice them. Or maybe people always describe you as “the responsible one” when, in reality, you feel like a chaotic mess just trying to keep it together. The more you perform, the more it reinforces the belief that the real you isn’t enough.

Or Anxiety & Shame – The fear of being "found out" or rejected can make social situations feel stressful and overwhelming.
 It’s like you’re constantly running a PR campaign for yourself, carefully curating what you say, second-guessing your responses, replaying conversations in your head later to analyse whether you “got it right.” If you’ve ever left a social situation feeling like you need to recover, it might not be because you’re introverted, it might be because masking takes an enormous amount of energy.

Shallow Relationships – If you’re not showing up as yourself, you’ll never know who truly loves you, only the character you’re playing.
Maybe you’re the friend who always listens but never shares. Maybe you play the “fun one” who keeps things light, even when you’re struggling. Maybe you’ve built a whole personality around being helpful or agreeable and deep down, you wonder if anyone would still want you around if you stopped meeting their needs. When you spend years adapting to fit in, it’s hard to shake the feeling that people only love you for what you do for them, not for who you actually are.

And let’s be real masking often works. It can help us avoid conflict, keep the peace, and fit in. But the cost?

The cost is you.

Because here’s the truth: Hiding who you are is the loneliest place to be.

So, how do we begin to take off the mask? Because let’s be honest, if masking has been a lifelong habit, unmasking isn’t something you do overnight. It’s a process of slowly, gently, and intentionally reclaiming yourself.

Step One: Notice When You’re Masking

Before you can start showing up more authentically, you need to recognise when you’re putting the mask on.

Start asking yourself:
🧐 When do I feel like I have to perform?
 🧐 Who am I most likely to mask around?
 🧐 What parts of myself do I hide?

This isn’t about judging yourself, it’s about awareness. Because once you start recognising the moments where you shift into performance mode, you can begin to challenge it.

Step Two: Identify Where You Learned to Hide

The way we show up in the world is learned which means we can unlearn it.

Ask yourself:
🔍 Where did I learn that being myself wasn’t safe?
 🔍 When did I start believing that I had to be “compliant,” “strong,” or “perfect” to be loved?
 🔍 What part of me have I been suppressing the longest?

Often, we’re still carrying beliefs that were handed to us, rather than ones we chose. And when you start challenging these beliefs, they lose their power.

Step Three: Take Small Steps Toward Authenticity

Unmasking doesn’t mean ripping off the mask in one dramatic moment. It means slowly, intentionally, letting yourself be seen.

💡 Try showing up 1% more authentically in small ways. Maybe it’s sharing an opinion you’d normally keep to yourself. Maybe it’s not forcing yourself to smile when you don’t feel like it. Maybe it’s setting a boundary instead of people-pleasing.

Every time you show up just a little more as yourself, you build the muscle of self-trust.

Step Four: Surround Yourself with People Who Make You Feel Safe

Here’s the truth: Not everyone will deserve to see the real you. And that’s okay.

You don’t have to be unmasked everywhere, all at once. But start noticing who makes you feel safe enough to let the mask slip. Who are the people where you don’t have to pretend? Spend more time with them.

Because the more you surround yourself with people who love you as you are, the easier it becomes to believe that you are enough, exactly as you are.

Taking off the mask isn’t about being reckless with your vulnerability, it’s about finding the spaces where you can finally exhale and just be.

And let’s be clear, unmasking doesn’t mean everyone will approve. But here’s the thing: The people who are meant for you? They don’t need the performance.

So, my challenge for you this week? Let yourself be seen. In one small way. Maybe that’s being honest about what you actually want. Maybe it’s not laughing at a joke that isn’t funny. Maybe it’s saying no when you’d normally say yes.

Because who you are underneath the mask? That’s the person who deserves to be loved.

And if you need support in showing up more fully as yourself, let’s talk. Book a chat at happyacoach.com/chat.

Until next time, be kind to yourself. You don’t have to perform for love. You just have to be.