Hello and welcome to The Happya Life Podcast, where we talk about life beyond survival because let’s be real, you weren’t meant to just “cope” your way through this life. I’m Clare, your host, positive psychology coach, therapist, and the very human reminder that it’s okay not to be who you once were.

Today, we’re diving into a question that can feel heavy, confusing, and even a little terrifying: Who am I now?

Because when you’ve been through trauma, whether it’s grief, burnout, the end of a relationship, or simply the slow erosion of yourself while tending to everyone else, it doesn’t just shift your circumstances. It shakes your identity. It stirs everything you thought you knew about yourself.

The version of you before might’ve felt more confident, more certain, more clear on where she was going. And now? You might look in the mirror and barely recognise her. You might feel like you’ve woken up in someone else’s life, like you’ve landed in unfamiliar territory with no map, no compass, and a deep ache for something that feels like “home.”

And I want you to know, you are not broken for feeling this way.
 In fact, for many people I work with, this moment, this questioning of identity, is the very reason they reach out. Sometimes it’s triggered by a sudden change: a bereavement, a breakup, a redundancy. Other times, it’s less dramatic, but just as unsettling: the children leaving home, the career path that no longer fits, the quiet ache of wondering, is this all there is?

And for those who arrive at this place after trauma, it can feel like the ground beneath your feet has given way completely. Like you no longer know who you are without the role you played, the relationship you had, or the identity you clung to in order to survive.

But here’s what I want you to hear in this moment:

💡This isn’t the beginning of a breakdown. It’s the beginning of a breakthrough.
 It’s your first sign of spring. A quiet, sacred invitation to bloom again, in a way that’s more honest, more grounded, more you than ever before.

So if you’ve ever whispered to yourself, “Where did I go?”, this episode is for you.

We’re going to explore: 

✅ Why trauma affects your sense of self.
✅ How to stop grieving the “old you” and start reconnecting with the new one.
✅ What it means to rediscover your values, passions, and purpose, even if they look completely different now.

Take a deep breath.
 You haven’t lost yourself.
 You’re just coming home in a new way.

Let’s talk about it.

Let’s begin with this: You don’t have to have lived through a dramatic, life-altering trauma to feel like you’ve lost yourself. Sometimes, it’s the slow accumulation of stress, the quiet grief of unmet expectations, the exhaustion of being everything to everyone but yourself.

Because life has a way of pulling us away from who we are.

Maybe it was a season where you had to be strong for everyone else.
 Maybe you spent so long surviving that you forgot how to live.
Or maybe something happened, a loss, a change, a moment where the ground beneath you shifted and suddenly, the version of you that once made sense… doesn’t anymore.

And here’s the thing: this doesn’t mean you’re broken, weak, or a failure.
It means your mind and body were doing what they’re designed to do, adapt.
You became who you needed to be to get through it. You shaped yourself around survival. You focused on keeping the peace, staying safe, holding it all together.

But when we live like that for too long?

💭 You stop trusting your own voice.
💭 You stop doing things that once lit you up, because they feel pointless or distant.
💭 You become who the world needed you to be, and forget who you were before the world told you who to be.

And after a while, you look in the mirror and wonder: Where did I go?

If that hits home, I want you to know this:

You are not lost. You are not behind.
 You are becoming.

Your sense of self didn’t vanish. It’s just been waiting for the storm to pass long enough to feel safe enough to rise again.

You don’t need to go back to who you were.
You get to become who you really are, maybe for the first time.

Let’s talk about the discomfort of not quite recognising yourself anymore.

You might find yourself thinking about the “old you.”
The version of you who felt lighter.
More hopeful. More carefree.
The one who didn’t second-guess everything or feel so… fragmented.

And yes, it’s okay to miss her.

She was real. She mattered. She carried you through a lot.
But here’s what often gets missed: That version of you wasn’t the whole you.
She was shaped by circumstance, survival, and sometimes by what others expectations and what was needed from you more than what you truly needed yourself.

So maybe this part of your healing isn’t about “letting go” of her, or grieving her entirely.

Maybe it’s about reclaiming the pieces of her that still fit, while making space for new ones that reflect who you are now.

Because this isn’t about going backwards. It’s about choosing forward with intention.
It’s about asking, Who do I want to be now, with all the wisdom I’ve earned?
What stays? What goes? What gets to evolve?

And yes, that takes courage.

It takes self-trust, self-compassion, and a willingness to sit in the unknown for a while.

But the truth is, you’re not starting from scratch.
 You’re starting from experience. From strength. From clarity.

And maybe, just maybe, the “you” that’s emerging now?
She’s the most honest, powerful version yet.

So… how do you begin to feel like you again, when life has left you altered in ways you didn’t choose?

How do you rebuild your sense of self, not from scratch, but from the pieces you’re gently gathering, the parts that still feel true?

This is not a checklist. It’s not a five-step formula. This is about reconnection, to yourself, to your values, to your voice, and to the life that’s waiting for you now.

Let’s walk through it together.

1️⃣ Reconnect with What Truly Matters to You

When life cracks us open, it often reshuffles what feels important.

Maybe the things that used to drive you no longer hold weight. Maybe you’re starting to see through old roles, old expectations, old definitions of success and wondering what’s actually yours.

So instead of trying to go back to the version of you who once knew, ask yourself:

• What do I care about now?
• What do I value, not because I was told to, but because it feels true in my bones?
• What feels like it no longer fits?

This is the beginning of alignment.

💬 Maybe you used to chase approval, and now you crave peace. 

💬 Maybe you used to fill every minute with doing, and now you're learning the art of simply being. 

💬 Maybe your identity used to be built around helping others, and now you’re realising it’s your turn to receive.

This isn’t selfish. This is sacred.

This is you reclaiming your right to choose what matters now, from this version of you.

2️⃣ Follow the Breadcrumbs of Aliveness

Trauma can dull your connection to joy. It can convince you that it’s safer not to feel too much, not to hope too hard, not to reach too far.

So if the things you once loved don’t feel the same anymore, that’s okay.

You’re not broken. You’re in a process of rediscovery.

Start with gentle curiosity:

• When do I feel even a flicker of interest?
• What makes me lose track of time, even a little?
• When do I feel most present, most myself?

And if you don’t know yet? That’s okay too.

Sometimes joy doesn’t come rushing back. Sometimes it arrives in whispers, in half-remembered longings, in the tiniest pull toward something new.

Let yourself follow the breadcrumbs. Let yourself try. You are allowed to evolve.

3️⃣ Take Off the Mask (Even Just a Little)

If you’ve been hiding parts of yourself, shrinking, editing, performing, you’re not alone. That mask was there for a reason. It protected you when you needed it.

But what once protected you might now be what’s keeping you disconnected.

So ask yourself:

• Where am I still shape-shifting to make others comfortable?
• What parts of me have I hidden away?
• Who gets to see the unfiltered version of me and how can I let more of her into the light?

You don’t have to rip off the mask all at once.

Start with safe spaces. Start with small moments. Start with yourself.

Each time you let your truth be seen, you send a message to your nervous system that it’s safe to be you.

Authenticity isn’t about being loud. It’s about being real and there is nothing more powerful than that.

4️⃣ Choose Who You Want to Be Next

This might be the most freeing part of all.

You get to choose.

Not based on who others need you to be. Not based on the version of you that existed before. But based on who you want to become now, with all the wisdom, all the strength, and all the self-awareness you’ve earned.

So ask:

• Who am I when I’m not performing?
• What kind of life do I want to build, not perfectly, but intentionally?
• Who do I want to grow into, from here?

You don’t need to have all the answers.

You just need the willingness to ask the questions and the courage to keep listening.

Because this isn’t about “finding yourself” as though you were ever truly lost.

This is about coming home to yourself, one choice at a time.

Reclaiming your identity isn’t about going back. It’s about becoming.

It’s about gently peeling away what no longer fits, and rediscovering the parts of you that feel true now the ones shaped not just by what you’ve survived, but by what you’ve learned, what you value, and what you’re ready to create moving forward.

So let this be your reminder:

🌱 You don’t need to return to a former version of yourself, you get to choose who you want to be now.
 🌱 You are not broken, you are becoming.
 🌱 You haven’t lost yourself you’re uncovering deeper layers that were never gone, only quiet.

This isn’t about fixing. It’s about remembering. Reconnecting. Reclaiming.

And if you’re ready to take that next step to explore this new version of you with support and compassion I’d love to walk with you.

Book a chat at happyacoach.com/chat or email me at clare@happyacoach.com.

Until next time, be kind to yourself. You are not starting from scratch you are starting from wisdom.