Hello and welcome to The Happya Life Podcast, where we talk about life beyond just getting through the day. Because here, we’re not interested in perfection. We’re here for something more honest, more human. I’m Clare, your host, positive psychology coach, and a lifelong recovering people-pleaser, so yes, I get it.

If you’re someone who’s constantly doing for others, who finds it hard to say no even when you’re running on empty… this episode is for you.

And I want to say this from the start, your generosity is not a flaw. Your kindness, your desire to care, to support, to be there, that’s beautiful. But when you’re giving so much that you lose sight of you, that’s when we need to pause. Not to shame, not to fix, but to reflect.

Because people-pleasing isn’t just about saying yes. It’s about who you become in the process of never disappointing anyone else. And often? That person isn’t fully you anymore.

So let’s breathe, let’s talk about why this happens, and how we start to find our way back, without guilt.

Here’s the thing no one says out loud enough: it’s okay to care deeply. It’s okay that you want to help, to be needed, to feel useful. In fact, for many of us, that’s a core part of who we are. And that’s not wrong.

But when caring becomes compulsive… when saying yes is a reflex… when your worth is tangled up in how helpful, agreeable, or low-maintenance you can be, that’s not care. That’s a strategy. A survival mechanism.

And here’s what I’ve seen, again and again. We don’t always realise we’re doing it, until we’re left feeling lost. Drained. Resentful. Numb.

This often shows up later in life, too. I’ve worked with women who spent decades pouring into everyone else, partners, children, careers and then one day, the kids leave, or the job changes, and there’s this hollow space. And they say, “I don’t know who I am anymore.”

That’s the real cost of people-pleasing. Not the time or energy you give. But the parts of you that quietly slip away.

People-pleasing isn’t a personality flaw, it’s a pattern. One you likely learned early, in environments where being easygoing, helpful, or selfless earned you love, safety, or at least a little less chaos.

So your nervous system learned: keep the peace, stay small, meet everyone else’s needs first—and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be okay.

But that wiring? It doesn’t update automatically just because you’re an adult now. So you keep giving. You keep fixing. You keep shape-shifting. And the guilt creeps in any time you even think about putting yourself first.

And that guilt? It’s not proof that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re doing something different. And your nervous system is freaking out a little.

You’re not selfish. You’re not mean. You’re just learning to choose you possibly for the first time.

So what now? How do we move from people-pleasing to self-honouring without swinging the pendulum so far we lose what we love about ourselves?

Here’s what I suggest, not as a formula, but as a path to walk gently.

1. Get curious about your yes.
Next time you feel the pull to say yes, pause. Ask: Do I really want to do this? Or do I feel like I have to? Give yourself permission to sit in the discomfort of that question.

2. Start small with no.
You don’t need to go nuclear. Start with low-stakes nos—a coffee you don’t want to attend, a favour you’d usually say yes to even when you’re tired. Practice. Let the world not end. Let the guilt rise and pass.

3. Anchor to your values.
Instead of asking, Will they be upset?, ask What matters to me right now? Is this in alignment with who I want to be, and how I want to live?

4. Reclaim your identity.
Start reconnecting with what you love, believe, value. Your worth is not rooted in being liked. It’s rooted in being real.

And here’s the trick: the more you live from that place, the more authentic your relationships become. Because when you stop performing, you give others permission to stop performing too.

If you’re realising, “I’ve been people-pleasing for so long, I don’t know who I am without it” you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

You’re just at the beginning of a new chapter. One where you matter, too. One where your voice, your limits, your joy are just as valid as anyone else’s needs.

And maybe you’re scared that if you stop being the one who gives everything, people will leave.

Let me gently say: if someone only loves the version of you that bends and breaks to meet their needs, it’s not love, it’s convenience.

The right people? They’ll adjust. They’ll respect your no. They’ll honour your boundaries. But it starts with you showing them how.

So here’s your takeaway for today: Your needs are not a problem to be solved. They’re a truth to be honoured.

And if you’re struggling to find that balance, to stop giving everything away and still feel like you—I’d love to support you. You can book a free call at happyacoach.com/chat or drop me an email if you just want to start with a quiet conversation.

Remember, saying no to someone else is sometimes the biggest yes you can give to yourself.

You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to rest. And you’re allowed to live a life that’s not built entirely around making others comfortable.

That’s not selfish. That’s sacred.