Welcome to The Happya Life Podcast. I’m Clare Deacon, trauma-informed therapist, positive psychology coach, and someone who has lived with the low hum of self-doubt for longer than I care to admit.

If you’re new here, I’m so glad you’ve found us. And if you’ve been walking this path with me for a while, then you already know this podcast isn’t about surface-level affirmations or “fake it till you make it” nonsense. We go deeper than that. Because real confidence, the kind that sticks, isn’t about performing. It’s about remembering. Reclaiming. Coming back to who you were before the world told you to doubt it.

And that’s what today’s episode is all about: the journey from self-doubt to self-belief.

This isn’t one of those “just believe in yourself” pep talks. If you’re here, you’ve probably tried that. You’ve read the books, saved the Instagram quotes, maybe even said the affirmations and still felt that sharp tug of, “But what if I’m not enough?” This episode is a conversation. Not a lecture. It’s for those who are tired of performing confidence but terrified to let their guard down. For those navigating life with a strong exterior and a nervous system quietly bracing for the next hit of “not good enough.”

So whether you’re walking, working, folding laundry or sitting in the car for a moment of silence let’s explore this together. Not just what confidence is, but how we rebuild it, especially when life and trauma have made you question your worth at the deepest level.

Let’s start where most people skip over why we doubt ourselves in the first place.

Self-doubt isn’t just a mindset problem. It’s not just a lack of positive thinking. It’s often rooted in survival, specifically, in the nervous system learning that safety lies in silence, in pleasing, in being good rather than being real.

Maybe you were raised in an environment where it wasn’t safe to have big feelings. Maybe love was conditional on behaviour, on achievement, on not making waves. Or maybe you were celebrated for being capable, helpful, selfless… and over time, those became the only roles you knew how to play.

So here you are. Grown. Capable. Outwardly functioning. But inwardly, still filtering everything you say, doubting your intuition, fearing that if you speak too loudly or need too much you’ll be judged, or worse, abandoned.

We think that the doubt is ours, that it’s some kind of flaw in our character, but self-doubt isn’t random. It’s learned. And here’s the good news: anything learned can be unlearned. It isn’t always loud either. It doesn’t always scream "You're not good enough." Sometimes it whispers, "Better double check," or, "Really? Are you sure?" It can be sneaky, and it's exhausting.

Most of the women I work with are high-functioning. They’ve built families, businesses, successful careers, whole lives around being dependable, reliable, fine. They’re the ones people go to for advice, for leadership, for support.

But underneath? It’s a different story.

There’s that constant inner monitoring: “Did I say too much?” “Did I sound stupid?” “What if they think I’m a fraud?” Even after a success especially after a success the anxiety creeps in. Because praise feels risky. Visibility feels like a setup. And confidence? That feels like a costume.

That’s the exhaustion of performative confidence. You’re smiling on the outside, but shrinking inside. Because deep down, you don’t feel safe being seen. You are exhausted from trying to hold it all together whilst secretly wondering, "When is someone going to realise I'm winging it?"

And until your body feels safe, true confidence can’t take root. Because confidence isn’t about how loud your voice is. It’s about how anchored it feels when you speak.

So, what does real confidence look like? It's not shiny, it's not loud, and it doesn't always feel good. Real confidence is that moment when you say "no" and don't follow up with an apology. When you back yourself, even when the voice of doubt is in your ear. When you rest without guilt. When you try something new and let it be messy. It's internal. It's within you and, more than anything, it can't be bestowed on you by someone else. Instead, it is built from the inside out, one honest, imperfect step at a time.

Let’s talk about the gap, the frustrating space between how competent you are and how confident you feel.

You can have years of experience, qualifications, feedback that says you’re brilliant and still freeze before a presentation. Still reread emails ten times before hitting send. Still lie awake at night replaying every conversation.

Why? Because the body remembers what the mind forgets.

You can know you’re capable. But if your nervous system is still wired to fear rejection, you’ll feel unsafe any time you step forward. Your trauma doesn’t care about your CV.

That’s why mindset work alone isn’t enough. You need regulation. Repetition. Relationship. You need to feel the fear in your body, and know it’s safe to move anyway.

Confidence isn’t an overnight job. Nothing worthwhile ever is. And it’s also not a “one and done.” You have to keep working on it, building it, returning to it again and again. It’s a practice, not a performance.

Let’s walk through what that looks like in real life:

1. Witness your inner world.
 Instead of trying to shut down your inner critic, start listening to it. Gently. Get curious. Whose voice does it sound like? When did you first start hearing it? Maybe it sounds like a parent, a teacher, a partner someone who once had the power to define your worth. Give that voice a name if it helps. For example, some clients call theirs "The Doubter" or "The Worrier." Creating distance helps you recognise: this isn’t you. It’s a strategy. A survival voice.

2. Collect real data.
 Self-doubt feeds on vague feelings. But confidence grows in facts. Start a self-trust journal. Each evening, jot down one thing you did that required courage spoke your truth in a meeting, asked for help, left a conversation that didn’t feel right. These moments become your evidence. Your body learns from repetition.

3. Move before you’re ready.
 Waiting for confidence before you act is like waiting for calm in the middle of a storm. Instead, identify the next smallest action. If you want to speak up in a meeting but it feels too big, prep a sentence ahead of time. If launching something new terrifies you, start with a draft, or share it with one trusted person. You don’t have to leap, you just have to begin.

4. Regulate, then respond.
 Before you take the risk, pause. Breathe. Drop into your body. What’s the heart rate doing? Are you tense? Ground yourself. Regulation might mean placing a hand on your chest, breathing deeply, or doing something familiar and rhythmic. Speak from this place, not from the spiral.

5. Let support in.
 This isn’t a solo project. Find your people, not those who just cheerlead, but those who reflect your truth back to you. Who say, "I see you," even when you can’t see yourself. Growth happens in relationship. Let it.

If you’re listening thinking, “I don’t even know who I am anymore,” you’re not alone.

Confidence wobbles when identity is blurred. When you’ve spent years being who others needed, and now without their approval, you feel directionless.

This often happens in midlife. When the kids are older, the career isn’t fulfilling, or the relationships shift. It’s not a crisis. It’s a call. To come back to yourself.

This is where confidence begins, not in doing more, but in being more honest.

So, what’s the truth behind confidence?

It’s not a trait. It’s a practice.

It’s not about being fearless. It’s about moving forward with the fear.

It’s not about being someone new. It’s about coming back to who you were before the doubt took hold.

And if you’re ready to rebuild that, slowly, gently, and honestly, I’m here. You can book a free chat at happyacoach.com/chat. No scripts. No pressure. Just space for you.

Until next time, trust your steps. Even the shaky ones. Especially the shaky ones. Because that’s where confidence is born, not in perfection, but in presence.