Hello and welcome to The Happya Life Podcast. I’m Clare Deacon, positive psychology coach, trauma-informed therapist, and someone who knows exactly how lonely healing can feel. Not just because I’ve studied the science, or sat with clients in that space but because I’ve lived it.

Today we’re talking about something most people don’t expect when they start their healing journey: loneliness. That quiet ache you feel when you realise you’re no longer the same as you were, but you haven’t quite found your new people yet. It’s the space in between. The in-between of who you used to be and who you’re becoming.

Let’s be real about this, healing can be isolating. Especially if you’ve spent your life managing relationships by over-giving, people-pleasing, or bending yourself into shapes that no longer fit. When you start setting boundaries, honouring your truth, or stepping back from dynamics that drain you… people notice. And not always in the way you hope.

Maybe you’ve found yourself stepping away from friendships that once felt like home, but now feel like work. Maybe you’re looking around at your life and thinking, “Who even gets me anymore?” Maybe you’re asking yourself, “Am I the difficult one? Did I change too much?”

This is normal. But that doesn’t make it easy.

When you heal, when you stop performing, stop tolerating, stop self-abandoning, you’re going to disrupt the status quo. You’re going to make some people uncomfortable. Especially those who benefited from the version of you who never said no. The version of you who laughed along to jokes that hurt. The version who kept quiet to keep the peace.

And sometimes, when you start to change, the invitations stop coming. The phone doesn’t ring as often. Or you find yourself in rooms where you feel invisible because you’re no longer playing the role they expect of you.

This isn’t because you’re wrong. It’s because growth creates space. And sometimes that space feels like emptiness before it feels like freedom.

Let’s talk about why this happens from a nervous system perspective.

Human beings are wired for connection. We’re social creatures, our brains literally regulate through co-regulation with others. That’s why belonging feels so essential. But when your early belonging came at the cost of authenticity when you had to hide parts of yourself to stay connected, your nervous system learned to prioritise acceptance over truth.

So when you start healing, when you begin reclaiming those hidden parts of yourself, your system panics a bit. It says, “Wait, that’s not how we stay safe. That’s not how we survive.” Even if the old relationships were draining, they were predictable. Familiar. And your brain loves familiar, even when it hurts.

Healing challenges that wiring. It asks you to step into new relational patterns, and that means stepping out of old ones. And sometimes there’s a gap in between. A season where it feels like you’re wandering alone.

I call this the relational wilderness. You’ve left the crowded room that wasn’t serving you, but you haven’t yet found the campfire where you belong.

And in that space, the loneliness can feel crushing.

But here’s the thing: it’s not a sign you’re failing. It’s a sign you’re healing.

When you stop settling for surface-level connection, you create the conditions for something deeper. Something more aligned. But it takes time.

And there’s a science to why it feels so painful. Loneliness isn’t just emotional, it’s biological. When you feel disconnected, your brain interprets it as a survival threat. The amygdala, the part of your brain wired to scan for danger goes into overdrive. Your cortisol levels spike. Your nervous system moves into a subtle state of stress, preparing for rejection or abandonment. This isn’t just about feeling left out, it’s about your body trying to protect you from what it perceives as danger.

That’s why healing can feel so exhausting when you’re doing it alone. It’s not because you’re weak it’s because your nervous system is missing the co-regulation it was designed for. That shared breath, that knowing glance, that steady hand on your back that says, “We’re okay.”

This is where the work gets real, not just regulating your own nervous system, but also creating opportunities for safe connection. Finding spaces where you don’t have to perform. Where you can be witnessed without judgement. Where you can be you.

You might be thinking right now, “That sounds lovely, Clare but how do I find the right people? How do I actually do this?”

First, let’s get honest about what “the right people” means.

It doesn’t mean perfect people. It doesn’t mean people who never trigger you or always get it right. It means people who are willing to meet you where you are. People who respect your growth, even if it makes them reflect on their own. People who can sit with discomfort instead of shutting you down. People who aren’t afraid of your boundaries or your messiness.

Finding these people starts with becoming someone who can hold space for herself first. Because here’s the hard truth: if you don’t feel safe with your own feelings, you’re going to keep choosing relationships that distract you from them.

That’s why this work starts inside. You become the safe space first.

What does that look like?

It looks like noticing when you’re lonely and not numbing it away with busyness or scrolling or over-functioning. It looks like pausing and saying, “This ache means I’m in transition, not that I’m broken.” It looks like letting yourself grieve the relationships you’ve outgrown, without rushing to fill the gap.

But also it looks like taking action. Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. We’re not meant to do this alone. So yes, you have to go inward but you also have to reach outward.

That might mean joining a support group, finding a therapist, attending a workshop, or connecting with a coach. It might mean being brave enough to say, “Hey, I’m trying to build new connections. Would you like to grab coffee?” even when your stomach twists with fear.

It might mean saying, “I’m looking for real conversations, not just small talk.” And letting that desire lead you.

You’re not too much for wanting meaningful connection. You’re not needy for craving depth. You’re human.

And I want to remind you there are people out there who are looking for exactly what you’re looking for. They just haven’t found you yet.

But they will.

And yes, it takes courage to keep your heart open when you’re healing. It takes courage to trust again when you’ve been betrayed or disappointed. It takes courage to say, “I want more than surface-level connection.”

But you’re here because you’re ready for that kind of courage.

So let’s talk about how to find your people.

Start by knowing who you are now, not who you were before the healing, before the awakening, before the burnout. Who are you today? What do you value now? What do you want to build?

The clearer you are about that, the easier it becomes to spot aligned connection.

And remember: meaningful relationships are built, not found. They require shared experience, vulnerability, and time. So be patient with yourself. It’s okay if the first few connections don’t stick. It’s okay if some conversations feel awkward. Keep showing up anyway.

And here’s something else I want you to know, it’s normal to still love the people you’ve outgrown. To miss them, even if you know they’re not good for you. That’s grief. And grief is part of growth.

So be gentle with yourself in this season. Don’t rush the process. Don’t shame yourself for needing people. That need is wired into you for a reason.

And if you’re listening right now thinking, “Clare, this is exactly where I am, I’m in that lonely middle place and I don’t know how to move forward,” I want to invite you to take one small step today.

Come and join the Happya community. It’s not just a weekly letter it’s a space where real conversations happen. It’s where I share the tools, science, and support to help you feel safe in your own skin and in your connections. It’s a place where you don’t have to perform. You just get to show up as you are.

You can join us at happyacoach sign up, listen, land softly. Or book a free, zero-pressure chat with me if you’re ready to explore the next layer of this work together.

You’re not too much. You’re not too late. You’re exactly where you’re meant to be on this path.

And you won’t stay in the lonely middle forever. Your people are out there. Your new chapter is out there. And I’ll be right here, walking beside you as you find it.

Until next time, take gentle care of you.