Hello and welcome to The Happya Life Podcast. I’m Clare Deacon, positive psychology coach, trauma-informed therapist, founder of Happya, and someone who knows what it means to live through the storm and still believe in sunshine.

Today’s episode is called: "Why Your Trauma Doesn’t Define You (Even If It Feels Like It Does)"

This one is tender. And true. Because if you’ve ever found yourself stuck in the aftermath of pain, if you’ve ever looked at your life and thought, “This is who I am now”  not in a hopeful way but in a defeated, shut-down kind of way I want you to know: I see you.

And more importantly: I need you to hear this.

Your trauma is something you’ve experienced. It’s not the sum total of who you are.

Let that land for a second. Because when you’ve lived through pain, through grief, through fear, through chaos your nervous system, your identity, your self-perception can get tangled in the story of survival. It becomes the lens you look through. The filter for every choice. The reason you hold back. Or don’t dream. Or stop trusting.

But what if your story didn’t end at the trauma?

Let’s clarify something really important here: trauma isn’t the event. It’s the impact. What feels traumatic for one person may not for another. It doesn’t have to make headlines to matter. Just because your story hasn’t been wrapped in a dramatic narrative, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. The effects of trauma are shaped by many things your history, your resilience, your support systems. So if you’ve ever dismissed your experience because “others had it worse,” I invite you to pause. Your pain is valid. Your healing is important.

What if your story was just beginning after it?

That’s what we’re exploring today: post-traumatic growth, how to shift from being defined by your past to consciously creating your future, and the power you have to rewrite your narrative. Not by denying what happened but by reclaiming who you are beyond it.

When Trauma Becomes Identity

One of the most damaging things trauma does is blur the line between what you’ve lived through and who you believe you are.

You stop saying, “This is something that happened to me,” and start saying, “This is who I am.”

You internalise the chaos. The shutdown. The mistrust. The belief that you are broken, or too much, or too damaged.

And you might not even realise you’re doing it. You just stop applying for things. You stop making eye contact. You stop asking for help. You stay in relationships that shrink you. You settle.

Because somewhere, your mind has decided: this is what I get. This is what I deserve.

Let me be clear: That is the trauma talking. Not the truth.

You are not what hurt you. You are what survived it.

And within that survival is the possibility to thrive.

I felt this deeply after I lost my husband. I believed I had a widow’s role to play some silent, sombre version of Queen Victoria mourning for the rest of her life. That’s what I thought was expected of me. And people don’t help. You hear “I don’t know how you do it” or “If it were me, I’d…” well, let’s hope it’s never you, because the reality is far from what you imagine. I had to slowly learn that I didn’t have to stay in that story. That grief shaped me, yes, but it didn’t own me.

Understanding Post-Traumatic Growth

We often hear about PTSD. But what about PTG post-traumatic growth?

And actually, we don’t hear about it enough. It’s more common than most people realise. And those experiencing PTSD? They’re often misdiagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety. One of the biggest myths is that PTSD only affects soldiers or people in combat. The truth? Anyone can experience it. It’s not about what happened. It’s about how it was experienced.

For me, PTSD showed up as hypervigilance, panic attacks, flashbacks. It didn’t look like the movies. It looked like not being able to breathe in the supermarket. Like scanning every room. Like startling at sudden sounds. Like my body was braced for something that already happened.

Post-traumatic growth is the concept that after trauma, people can experience deep, meaningful change. Not because the trauma was a gift. Not because they “found silver linings.” But because in the aftermath, they were forced to rebuild. And in that rebuilding, something new was born.

PTG can look like:

• A deeper appreciation for life
• A stronger sense of self
• Healthier boundaries
• Greater emotional awareness
• Newfound purpose

And it’s important to say: PTG isn’t about bypassing pain. It’s not about slapping positivity on grief. It’s about integration. About finding meaning in the mess. About choosing what comes next.

And choice is everything.

For me, the reason I’m so passionate about sharing this message is because PTG offers something so many trauma survivors struggle to find: hope. And from hope, belief is born. And belief leads to motivation. To action. To change. You don’t need to endlessly recount your story on a therapist’s sofa. You don’t need to wait for a magic wand. And it’s not reserved for the lucky few. Growth is available. Right here. Right now.

Rewriting the Narrative

So how do we go from being stuck in trauma identity to stepping into growth?

It starts with language.

Notice the way you talk about yourself.

• Do you say, “I’m anxious” or “I’m experiencing anxiety right now”?
• Do you say, “I’m broken” or “I’ve been hurt, and I’m healing”?
• Do you say, “I can’t do that” or “That feels hard right now, but maybe one day”?

Language creates identity. Identity shapes possibility.

Speak with compassion. Speak with spaciousness. Speak like someone you love is listening because they are. You are.

You get to choose how you narrate your life.

Claiming Your Future Gently, Powerfully

Once you start to shift the story, you can begin to build again.

This doesn’t mean hustle. It doesn’t mean productivity. It means alignment.

Ask yourself:

• What matters to me now?
• What brings me alive?
• What do I need to feel safe, resourced, inspired?

Start there. One step. One choice. One breath.

If you find yourself slipping into old patterns freezing, fawning, people-pleasing that’s okay. That’s part of the process. Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s a spiral. Each time you return to yourself, you do it with more knowledge. More softness. More power.

You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to keep showing up.

Let’s Recap What I Hope You Take From Today

• Trauma may shape you, but it does not define you.
• You are allowed to grow beyond the pain.
• Post-traumatic growth is real. And possible. And powerful.
• You can rewrite your story, starting now.
• Healing isn’t a destination – it’s a practice of choosing again.

And if you need a hand holding the pen? I’m here. This podcast. My weekly letters. Our sessions. My DMs. They’re open.

You are the author now.

And your next chapter? It can be whatever you choose.

Until next time, take kind care of you.
💛 Clare x