Hello and welcome back to The Happya Life Podcast I’m Clare Deacon trauma-informed therapist positive psychology coach and founder of Happya and today we’re diving into a topic that so many women carry silently until their bodies force them to stop we’re talking about burnout but not the dramatic crash-and-burn type we’re talking about the quiet the creeping the invisible kind the kind that builds over time that you manage until you don’t the kind you don’t even realise you’re in until one day something small tips you over and you think how did I get here

Maybe this sounds familiar you’ve been running on caffeine autopilot and calendar alerts your days are full your to-do list never ends and you keep going because people depend on you you show up for your clients your family your friends even when you feel like you’ve got nothing left inside you’re functional but flat smiling but hollow inside you’re numbing scrolling zoning out snapping more than usual or crying over something that wouldn’t normally bother you you tell yourself you’re just tired you just need a break but even when you do stop nothing really changes you don’t feel rested you don’t feel better just more behind

Let’s be honest burnout is not always dramatic sometimes it looks like showing up to work every day and delivering even when your insides feel like static it looks like cooking dinner and helping with homework while fantasising about running away it looks like people telling you how strong and capable you are when you’re wondering how much longer you can keep pretending

And if that’s where you are right now I want you to hear me clearly you are not weak you are not broken you are not lazy you are burnt out and your body your nervous system your entire being is trying to protect you the best way it knows how

Today I want to help you name what’s happening beneath the surface why burnout happens especially for high-functioning women what the nervous system is doing and how to begin gently shifting the patterns that led you here I’m also going to share a story from my own life that changed the way I understood burnout forever and at the end I’ll offer an invitation if this episode feels close to home reach out to me send me a message and I’ll point you to the right support you don’t have to figure this out on your own

Let’s start with what burnout really is because so many people misunderstand it burnout isn’t just about having too much to do it’s about having too little space to be it’s emotional physical and nervous system depletion that comes from chronic stress from constant giving from carrying invisible loads and doing it all with a smile

Burnout often shows up subtly at first the early signs are things like emotional numbness things you used to enjoy don’t light you up anymore your fuse feels shorter you’re more irritable you might feel detached or cynical you struggle to focus your memory feels foggy your body feels heavy your sleep is disrupted you’re either wired and tired or just can’t find your energy and no matter how much rest you get it doesn’t touch the exhaustion you’re carrying

One of my clients a senior executive and mother of two came to me saying “I’m not sure what’s wrong I have a good life I should be grateful but I just feel empty” and that’s it that’s the invisibility of burnout from the outside everything looks fine but inside you feel like you’re fading

And if you’ve been in survival mode for years maybe even decades your system might not recognise anything is wrong because you’ve adapted you’ve become brilliant at coping you’ve built an identity around holding it all together being the one who’s fine being the safe pair of hands but coping is not the same as thriving

Now let’s talk about what’s happening physiologically burnout is what happens when your nervous system is in a prolonged state of sympathetic arousal what we often call fight or flight your body is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline constantly scanning for danger and pushing through because it doesn’t feel safe to stop your prefrontal cortex the part of your brain responsible for executive functioning and emotional regulation begins to shut down you might struggle to make decisions overthink small things or feel stuck in a loop of anxiety and guilt

Over time your system can flip into the opposite state what we call dorsal vagal shutdown it’s part of the parasympathetic nervous system but not the calm restorative part this is the freeze state where everything slows down you might feel numb disconnected shut down or spaced out even speaking can feel like too much this is your body conserving energy because it’s overloaded

This is why you can’t “just rest” your system doesn’t feel safe in stillness it associates slowing down with danger and that’s where the shame spiral starts you finally stop and instead of feeling better you feel guilty or anxious so you get up and push through again because that’s what you’ve always done

I want to share something personal because this isn’t just theory I’ve lived this a few years ago after the loss of my husband I thought I’d processed my grief I’d done the therapy I’d held it together for my children I was running a business writing a book and being “the strong one” but I didn’t realise that strength had turned into suppression and one day I found myself standing in the middle of my kitchen unable to move I couldn’t remember what I was doing I couldn’t find words I just stood there frozen I felt like a stranger in my own life and all I could think was “this isn’t me” but it was me it was the me who’d pushed too hard for too long and finally hit the wall

That moment forced me to pause to re-evaluate everything I thought rest was weakness but I learned that true strength is in knowing your limits in listening to your body in allowing yourself to be human

So how do we start to come back from burnout when everything feels too much

First we begin with awareness notice your patterns without judgement where are you overriding your needs where are you numbing what parts of your life feel heavy what’s draining your energy and what’s giving you life

Second nervous system regulation this is not bubble baths and green juice this is about helping your body feel safe again through grounding breathwork micro moments of safety through the day a hand on your heart a slow exhale walking barefoot outside pressing your feet into the floor these are small acts that tell your system you are safe now

Third boundaries and I don’t just mean saying no to others I mean saying yes to yourself your needs your rest your joy what would it look like to protect your peace like it mattered what would it look like to disappoint someone else before you betray yourself

Fourth connection burnout thrives in isolation when we feel like we have to carry it all alone reach out talk to someone who gets it find safe spaces where you don’t have to explain or justify where you can just be and if that space doesn’t exist yet for you please know this one does and I’m here

Fifth rebuild from the inside out and don’t rush to fill the void let your energy return slowly let your nervous system relearn what safety feels like ask yourself not just what do I want less of but what do I truly want more of more stillness more laughter more time alone more connection more ease what would it feel like to live a life that doesn’t just look good but feels like yours from the inside out

And lastly compassion because this isn’t about fixing yourself this is about coming home to yourself burnout isn’t a flaw in you it’s a feature of a culture that asks too much and supports too little it’s a collective wound and your exhaustion is a completely valid response to trying to hold it all for too long

And I want to pause here and say something really important because this might be the part of the episode that changes everything for someone listening maybe you’re recognising yourself in all this maybe there’s a part of you that knows this is resonating but still you haven’t reached out for support yet and I get it truly I do because I’ve been that woman the one who thought she could keep going the one who told herself she didn’t need help the one who looked like she was coping but was quietly unravelling inside

One of my deepest regrets is that I never sought therapy before my husband died I didn’t give myself permission I told myself it wasn’t “bad enough” that I should be able to manage on my own and looking back now I can see how stuck in survival I was how desperate I felt and how much shame I carried for needing support and that’s why I do this work that’s why I show up here week after week because I don’t want you to wait like I did I don’t want you to believe the lie that your pain isn’t big enough or your struggle isn’t valid enough to deserve care

So if this episode feels close to home if you’ve been listening and thinking this is me then please let this be your permission slip reach out send me a message on Instagram or through the website let me know what’s resonating and I’ll point you to whatever support is right for you whether that’s working with me one-to-one accessing resources or simply taking the next gentle step forward

Because the truth is you don’t need to hit rock bottom to start healing you don’t need anyone else to validate your pain before you take action and you don’t have to wait until everything falls apart to decide you’re worth investing in

Every woman I’ve worked with has told me in some way or another I wish I’d done this sooner and my hope for you is that you’ll be the one who listens to that quiet knowing now who honours her own needs before the world demands a collapse who says yes to herself without apology

Sometimes the hardest part is reaching out but I promise you it’s worth it you’re worth it your life your energy your joy is worth it

Thank you for being here today for showing up for yourself for allowing this space to remind you that you’re not alone I’ll see you next week where we’ll explore how to calm your nervous system in just five minutes until then take a breath take up space and remember you are not behind you are not too much you are right on time.