Hello and welcome back to The Happya Life I’m Clare Deacon trauma-informed therapist positive psychology coach and the founder of Happya and today we’re talking about something that comes up a lot especially with women who’ve been through trauma or who’ve spent years people-pleasing and holding it all together and that’s this question am I setting a boundary or am I just avoiding and the truth is sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference especially when your nervous system has learned that protection means distance
This episode is for you if you’ve ever said I’m just setting boundaries but deep down you wonder if you’re actually avoiding discomfort or if you’ve pulled away from people or situations and called it self-care but felt disconnected or guilty or confused or if you’ve been praised for having strong boundaries but you’re still feeling anxious resentful or unsafe inside
I want to start by saying this there’s no shame in avoidance avoidance is protective it’s your nervous system trying to keep you safe and that’s not a failure that’s survival but if we want to live fully if we want to have relationships that feel nourishing if we want to feel proud of how we show up then we have to start getting honest about the difference between healthy boundaries and protective avoidance
So what’s the difference a boundary is something you create from a place of clarity and self-worth it’s based on your values your needs and your capacity it sounds like I’m not available for that right now or I love you and I also need space or I want to support you but not at the cost of my own wellbeing and a true boundary feels empowering it might be uncomfortable sure but it comes with relief and a sense of alignment like yes this is right for me
Avoidance on the other hand is driven by fear not clarity it’s not I don’t want this it’s I’m afraid of what will happen if I say yes or no or show up fully it might sound like I just can’t deal with that person or I’m too busy right now or I’m fine on my own anyway and deep down it comes with anxiety disconnection or even shame it’s a way of trying to stay safe by staying away and again there’s no shame in that but we want to notice it so we don’t confuse survival strategies with self-worth
I remember a time early in my healing when I told myself I was setting boundaries when really I was just shutting people out completely I’d been hurt so many times and I didn’t know how to hold nuance so it was all or nothing if someone upset me I cut them off if something felt hard I avoided it and yes it gave me space but it also made me lonely and disconnected and it wasn’t until I did the nervous system work and the emotional work that I could start setting boundaries from a place of truth not just fear
So how do you know which one you’re doing here are a few ways to check in with yourself ask is this boundary coming from self-care or self-protection does this choice feel aligned or avoidant am I acting from my values or my wounds do I feel relief or fear when I set this boundary and here’s a big one am I willing to stay in the conversation even if it’s uncomfortable or do I need to disappear completely
Because boundaries are about staying connected with yourself and others while still honouring your needs avoidance is about disconnection it says I can’t cope I need out and sometimes that’s valid and necessary but if it’s the only tool we’re using it can keep us stuck and isolated
Let’s talk about what this can look like in real life maybe you stop replying to messages but you tell yourself I’m just protecting my peace maybe you cancel plans not because you’re tired but because you’re anxious and unsure how to show up maybe you leave a relationship without explaining why and call it boundaries but it’s really about avoiding conflict or rejection again no shame these are nervous system responses and they’re deeply human but what we want is choice not compulsion we want to respond not just react
So how do we begin to shift it first get honest ask yourself what am I protecting and what am I afraid might happen if I show up here then regulate use grounding tools to help your body feel safe enough to stay in discomfort without abandoning yourself and then clarify what do I need what do I want what feels true for me not what do others expect or what feels safest in the moment
This might sound like I need to pause this conversation and come back to it or I can’t say yes right now but I still care about you or I’m feeling overwhelmed so I need some space but I’m not walking away completely boundaries can be clear and kind they don’t have to be harsh or cold or final in fact the most powerful boundaries are rooted in connection and compassion
I want to say too that avoidance is often learned if you grew up in chaos or unpredictability or weren’t allowed to express needs or emotions your body may have learned that the only way to feel safe is to shut down or disappear and as an adult that can look like ghosting avoiding hard conversations or retreating the moment you feel vulnerable again this isn’t a flaw it’s a strategy but now you get to choose whether it still serves you
And if you’re listening and thinking this is me I’ve called it boundaries but really I’ve just been pulling away please know you’re not wrong for doing that you were surviving and now you have the awareness to do it differently
I want to invite you to reach out send me a message on Instagram or through the website and let me know what’s coming up for you whether it’s boundary confusion nervous system overwhelm or just a sense that you’re ready to reconnect with yourself I’ll signpost you to support that feels right for where you are
Because boundaries shouldn’t leave you isolated and burnt out they should feel like safety from the inside out they should be a bridge back to yourself not a wall around your life
Thank you for being here for being willing to ask hard questions and for choosing growth over comfort I’ll see you next week where we’ll explore what it really means to rebuild yourself after losing who you are until then take a breath tune into your body and ask yourself is this a boundary or am I just afraid to be seen