Hello and welcome back to The Happya Life I’m Clare Deacon trauma-informed therapist positive psychology coach and the founder of Happya and today we’re exploring something that comes up quietly but consistently especially for women in midlife and beyond it’s the feeling of having lost yourself not in a dramatic breakdown kind of way but in that subtle slow drip moment where you wake up and realise you don’t quite recognise the woman staring back at you in the mirror
Maybe it hit you when your kids stopped needing you in the same way and suddenly the days feel quieter and emptier than you expected maybe it’s that your identity was so deeply wrapped up in being mum and now they’re grown they’re making their own choices, and you’re left wondering where you end and they begin
Or maybe it’s a career thing maybe your job changed, or you stepped away from a business that once defined you maybe you took a break and now, you’re wondering, who am I? without the title, the team, the pressure, the purpose.
Perhaps it’s a relationship that shifted maybe it ended maybe you’re still in it, but something feels distant, and you realise you’ve shaped yourself around another person for so long that you’ve forgotten what you want need or love
Or maybe it’s just a subtle unravelling a slow quiet knowing that the roles you’ve played no longer fit and the version of you who was holding it all together is ready to be let go
And yes, for some of you it may come from trauma or grief or burnout or a big loss but for many it’s just life moving forward and you realising somewhere along the way you stopped being at the centre of your own story
This episode is for the woman who whispers I don’t know who I am anymore and doesn’t know where to begin
Let me start by saying this clearly feeling lost doesn’t mean you’re failing it means you’re awakening you’re tuning back into yourself after years of tuning out to survive serve or succeed and while that may feel confusing or even painful it’s also an invitation
We’re not taught how to be with ourselves without the roles the goals or the chaos we’re taught to perform to give to manage but when life quiets down or shifts gears what’s left is often the realest question of all, who am I if I’m not what I do or who I take care of
And this is where I want to start gently rebuilding with you
First let’s name the truth that identities are layered and dynamic and they evolve over time just because something once fit doesn’t mean it still does and outgrowing an identity even a good one is not selfish or wrong it’s growth
Second let’s acknowledge the grief that comes with change even positive change letting go of who you were is still a loss and it deserves space to be honoured before we rush into reinvention
I had a client recently who said Clare my kids are off at uni and for the first time in twenty years I’m alone in the house and I thought I’d love the freedom but instead I feel invisible and irrelevant and we sat with that because the truth is mothering became her full identity and now she’s not sure who she is beyond it and that’s not weakness that’s life.
Or the woman who stepped away from a high-powered career to prioritise her health and family and now finds herself doubting her worth because so much of her value was wrapped up in being productive and achieving and now that she’s resting she feels like she’s disappeared
And then there’s the woman who stayed in a relationship for decades shaping herself around what kept the peace and now that it’s over she doesn’t know what she likes what she believes or what she wants because it’s been so long since she was asked
So how do you begin to rebuild when you feel so far from who you used to be
You start small and you start honest this is not about finding a new five-year plan it’s about gently tuning back into yourself and noticing what feels like truth not performance
Begin by asking what roles have I been playing that no longer fit who am I trying to be for others and what might I need to reclaim for myself
Then get curious what lights you up even just a little what used to make you lose track of time what do you miss about the younger version of you not from nostalgia but from knowing she still lives in you
Let yourself follow those threads maybe you loved writing or music or movement, or you felt most alive when you were near the sea or surrounded by people who saw you fully these aren’t indulgences, they’re clues to your essence
Reconnect with your body because identity isn’t just a mental concept it’s physical when you feel safe in your body you feel more grounded in your choices nervous system regulation breathwork movement stillness these are not fluffy extras they’re foundations for clarity
Give yourself permission to experiment try things on see how they feel let it be messy because rebuilding is not about getting it right it’s about feeling your way back to yourself
And most importantly choose yourself in the small moments drink your coffee the way you like it set one boundary say yes to one thing that excites you and no to one thing that drains you that’s how identity comes back not in big declarations but in quiet consistent choices
If you’re listening and thinking this is me, I’ve been everything for everyone else and I don’t know who I am anymore I want you to hear this clearly you’re not lost you’re just returning you’re not broken you’re becoming, and this season of your life might be the one that brings you home
Reach out if this resonates send me a message on Instagram or through the website and let me know what’s coming up, I’ll help you find the right next step whether it’s coaching reflection or simply being reminded that you don’t have to navigate this alone
You’re allowed to evolve you’re allowed to grieve what no longer fits and you’re allowed to build a life that finally includes you at the centre
Thank you for being here for allowing yourself to pause and reflect and for choosing the courage to meet the woman you’re becoming I’ll see you next week where we’ll explore post-traumatic growth and how healing is more than just recovery it’s transformation until then breathe notice and remember the parts of you you’ve forgotten are still waiting to be reclaimed