Hello and welcome back to The Happya Life. I’m Clare Deacon, trauma-informed therapist, positive psychology coach and founder of Happya, and today we’re talking about something that shows up in nearly every woman I work with. Overthinking and overfeeling, the exhausting pairing that makes you feel like you can’t escape your own mind or make sense of your emotions. And if you’re listening and nodding, I want you to know this isn’t because you’re dramatic or broken or too much. It’s because your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do, and the good news is we can work with it, not against it.

This is for the woman who can’t switch off, even when the house is quiet, the work is done and there’s nothing pressing to fix, but your mind just won’t stop spinning and your chest still feels heavy. This is for the woman who feels like every decision is a minefield, like you’re second-guessing yourself even on the small stuff. You analyse how you said something in that meeting, or whether your text sounded okay, or what someone’s silence might really mean. This is for the woman who cries at the advert on TV, then feels silly for being emotional, or who walks away from a conversation feeling ten times more than anyone else in the room and wonders why no one else seems affected like you do.

Overthinking and overfeeling aren’t random personality traits, they’re survival strategies, especially for those of us who’ve had to navigate emotional complexity without a roadmap. When your nervous system has been wired by stress, trauma, loss, or even just years of being the one who holds everything together, it adapts by trying to control the uncontrollable. Your mind becomes a projector, running future scenarios over and over to try and predict outcomes, prevent mistakes, protect against pain, and your emotions ramp up because your body never learned what to do with all that activation.

Let’s talk about the science for a moment, because understanding your body’s response is what helps soften the shame. In survival mode, your brain’s prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for rational decision-making and emotional regulation, becomes less accessible. Your amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, becomes more sensitive and more reactive. It lights up even when the danger isn’t real, just perceived. So that one look from someone that felt off, the unanswered email, the vague tone in a text, your system reads it as a potential threat and your thoughts and feelings go into overdrive.

This isn’t happening because you’re weak, it’s happening because your nervous system is trying to keep you safe. It just hasn’t been shown what safety really looks and feels like.

I worked with a client recently who said, I feel like my brain’s a washing machine on spin cycle and my heart is in my throat all day, and yet there’s nothing really wrong. And that hit me, because that’s the reality for so many. It’s not the big trauma moment that undoes us, it’s the slow chronic dysregulation, the accumulation of feeling everything all the time and not knowing how to come back to yourself.

Let’s take a breath together right now. Inhale through your nose and exhale slowly out through your mouth. Again, inhale and release. Soften your jaw, lower your shoulders, you’re here, and that’s already something.

So how do we start to find calm in the chaos when your thoughts feel out of control and your emotions feel like they’re running the show? The first thing is to stop trying to think your way out of it, because overthinking isn’t a thinking problem, it’s a regulation problem. When your system is in a sympathetic state, that’s your fight or flight, you’re wired to analyse, to anticipate, to prepare. And when you’re in dorsal, that’s the freeze or shutdown state, emotions feel flat or overwhelming and logic goes offline. Trying to reason with yourself in that moment often just adds more pressure.

What we need is to come back into presence, and we do that through the body. Here are some of the tools I teach that really work, but I want to say up front, these are not quick fixes. They’re about consistency, not intensity. The more you practise them when things are okay, the more accessible they become when things are hard.

Let’s begin with the pause practice. When you notice the spiral beginning, say out loud, pause. This small cue disrupts the neurological loop, it tells your brain a different response is possible. Then name what’s real. I am in my kitchen, it’s Wednesday, I just had lunch, I feel anxious but I’m okay. This is called orienting, and it engages your prefrontal cortex, bringing you out of threat mode.

Next, breathwork. Not all breathing is equal. I want you to try this. Inhale for four, hold for one, exhale for seven. When we extend the exhale, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, that’s the rest and digest system, which signals to the brain we are safe now. Even if the mind doesn’t believe it, the body leads the way.

Another tool is the body scan. Notice where tension is held, maybe your jaw, maybe your shoulders, maybe your stomach. Gently say to yourself, I release and soften here. And if that feels too much, just place a hand on your heart and another on your belly and feel the contact. This physical cue reminds your system you’re here and safe.

And then there’s co-regulation. The nervous system doesn’t heal in isolation, it heals in relationship. If you can’t call someone, try simply texting and saying, I’m in a spiral, just needed to say it out loud. Or listen to the voice of someone who feels safe to you. Our bodies respond to tone, to rhythm, to connection, even when we’re alone.

I also want to offer a practice I use with clients called name, need, nurture. It’s simple but profound. When you feel overwhelmed, name what you’re feeling. I feel anxious. I feel stuck. I feel exhausted. Then name what you need. I need rest. I need clarity. I need a moment to breathe. And then nurture that need in a small way. Maybe that’s lying down with your eyes closed, maybe it’s putting your hand on your heart, maybe it’s choosing not to respond to that email just yet. This isn’t about fixing, it’s about offering safety and care to your system in real time.

Let’s take another breath together here and just notice your body for a moment. No judgement, just awareness. How’s your jaw, your chest, your stomach? How fast is your breath? If there’s tension, that’s okay. If there’s softness, that’s okay too. You’re not doing it wrong.

Now let’s speak to the story underneath all of this, because for so many women, the overthinking and overfeeling become part of your identity. You’re the one who’s always thinking ahead, always holding the emotional weight, always making sure everyone’s okay before checking in with yourself. And if you’re honest, maybe you’ve forgotten what it feels like to not be in crisis mode. Maybe you don’t even remember the last time your mind was quiet or your emotions felt manageable.

But what if I told you that’s not who you are, that’s just who you became in survival? What if there’s a version of you who still feels deeply but no longer drowns in it, who still thinks carefully but isn’t paralysed by it? She exists, and she’s already in you, waiting to feel safe enough to take the lead.

This week I want to invite you into a gentle practice. When you notice yourself spiralling, whether in your thoughts or emotions, take a breath and ask, what’s the smallest thing I can do right now to move toward calm? Not total calm, just one degree closer. Maybe it’s getting outside, maybe it’s naming your emotion, maybe it’s choosing not to ruminate for five more minutes. That one degree shift matters. It’s not about doing it perfectly, it’s about practising safety in tiny moments.

And if you’re listening thinking, this is me, I live in my head and I feel everything and it’s exhausting, I want you to know you’re not broken. You’re not alone. And you don’t have to navigate this by yourself. Reach out, message me on Instagram or through the website, let me know what’s resonating and I’ll signpost you to support that makes sense for where you are now, whether that’s working together or simply finding a resource that brings a little more peace to your day.

You deserve calm. You deserve clarity. You deserve to come home to yourself. Not someday, but now. Not when you’ve got it all together, but as you are right now.

Next week we’re going to explore the guilt that shows up when you say no and why that guilt might actually be a good sign that you’re growing.

Until then, breathe, soften, and remind yourself your spirals do not define you, your sensitivity is not a weakness, and you are allowed to feel it all without letting it control you. You are safe here, and you’re not doing this alone.