Hello and welcome back to The Happya Life Podcast. I’m Clare Deacon.

Over the last few episodes, we’ve been talking about permission, about the cost of holding it all together, about what happens when roles loosen, about rebuilding a sense of self when you don’t know where to start.

Today, I want to talk about something that often emerges right at this point and it can be one of the most uncomfortable parts of growth.

It’s what happens when the old version of you no longer fits…
 but the world still expects her to show up.

This is the moment many people don’t expect.

They assume that once they’ve done the internal work once they’ve understood themselves better, softened old patterns, rebuilt some self-trust things should feel easier.

But often, this is where things start to feel more complicated.

Because while you have changed, not everything around you has caught up.

And that creates friction.

Not internally this time externally.

You might notice it in small moments at first.

A comment that lands strangely.
 An expectation that suddenly feels heavy.
 A familiar dynamic that now feels constricting.

You’re not doing anything differently on purpose but something feels off.

That’s often the first sign that you’ve outgrown a version of yourself that the world has become comfortable with.

And outgrowing an old identity is rarely a private experience.

It shows up in relationships.
 In work.
 In family systems.
 In subtle social exchanges where you realise you’re being met as who you were, not who you are now.

This can feel deeply unsettling.

Because for a long time, the old version of you probably worked very well.

She was competent.
 Reliable.
 Adaptable.
 Easy to place.

She knew how to meet expectations sometimes without even thinking about it.

And those expectations didn’t just come from nowhere.

They were shaped by what you consistently offered.

So when you begin to change when you stop over-functioning, stop explaining yourself, stop managing everyone else’s comfort it can feel like you’re disrupting an unspoken agreement.

From a nervous system perspective, this is significant.

Belonging has always been a form of safety.

Your system tracks not just who you are, but how you are received.

So when you step outside a familiar role, even a limiting one, the system can register that as threat.

Not because the change is wrong but because it’s unfamiliar.

This is why people often feel a spike in anxiety or self-doubt at this stage.

They think, “Was I wrong to change?”
 “Am I being difficult?”
 “Should I just go back to how I was?”

That internal questioning doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake.

It means you’re touching the edge of an identity shift that has social consequences.

And this is where many people get stuck.

They’ve done enough work to know they can’t go back but not enough support to move forward with confidence.

So they hover.

They partially shrink themselves again.
 They half-explain.
 They smooth over the edges.

Not because they want to but because the discomfort of being misunderstood feels heavier than the discomfort of self-betrayal.

This is an incredibly common stage and one that’s rarely named.

Outgrowing who the world expects you to be doesn’t feel empowering at first.

It feels lonely.

Because the old version of you came with familiarity, validation, and ease of access.

The new version may feel quieter, firmer, less performative and therefore harder for others to read.

This is often where people say things like:
 “I feel like I don’t quite fit anywhere anymore.”
 “People don’t respond to me the same way.”
 “I feel like I’m disappointing others just by being myself.”

From a positive psychology perspective, this is the tension between authenticity and belonging.

Both matter.
 Both are human needs.

But when they come into conflict, many people default to belonging even at the expense of themselves.

Especially those who learned early that being agreeable, capable, or low-maintenance created safety.

So choosing authenticity can feel like a risk.

Not because you’re suddenly fragile but because you’re no longer organising your life around external approval.

That’s a profound shift.

And it often brings grief.

Grief for the ease you once had.
 Grief for relationships that worked better when you were smaller.
 Grief for being easily understood.

This grief doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing.

It means something meaningful is changing.

I want to be very clear here: outgrowing an old identity does not mean rejecting your past self.

That version of you was adaptive.
 She did her job.
 She helped you survive, succeed, belong.

But growth doesn’t require loyalty to an identity that no longer fits.

And yet, many people feel a deep sense of guilt at this stage.

Guilt for changing.
 Guilt for wanting more space.
 Guilt for no longer being who others rely on in the same way.

That guilt isn’t a moral signal.

It’s a nervous system response to shifting relational dynamics.

The system is asking: Will I still be safe if I’m not who I used to be?

This is why clarity alone isn’t enough here.

You can know exactly why you’ve changed and still feel shaky about living it.

Because this stage isn’t about insight.

It’s about integration.

About allowing your internal changes to be visible in the external world.

And that takes time.

One of the most helpful reframes at this point is this:

You are not outgrowing people you are outgrowing patterns.

Some relationships will adjust.
 Some will deepen.
 Some may become more distant.

Not because you’re wrong but because they were built around a version of you that no longer exists.

That’s painful.

And it’s also honest.

If you’re listening to this and recognising yourself if you feel like you’re standing between who you were and who you’re becoming I want you to know this:

You are not meant to fit back into a shape you’ve outgrown.

Discomfort here doesn’t mean danger.
 Misunderstanding doesn’t mean mistake.
 Resistance doesn’t mean failure.

It means you’re living your growth rather than just thinking about it.

And that is where real change happens.

If you feel the urge to shrink, smooth, or explain yourself right now, pause.

You don’t need to perform your growth convincingly.

You don’t need to persuade anyone.

You just need to stay with yourself.

Because the more you do, the more the world will either adjust or make space for something truer to emerge.

This is not the end of the journey.

It’s the moment where internal change meets external reality.

And that’s where courage is required not the loud kind, but the quiet kind.

The kind that says:
 “I don’t fit who I was expected to be anymore and I’m willing to let that be seen.”

If you want support as you navigate this stage where identity, relationships, and self-trust intersect you’ll find resources on my website that speak directly to this work.

You can explore them at happyacoach.com/explore/self.

And if this episode resonated, let me leave you with this:

Outgrowing who the world expects you to be is not a problem to solve.

It’s a threshold to cross.

And you don’t have to cross it perfectly.

You just have to keep going.

Until next time.